


The Journal

by 1st_queen_of_hell



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel December 2020 (Supernatural), Ficlet, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28320456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1st_queen_of_hell/pseuds/1st_queen_of_hell
Summary: Based on a TikTok by @alexahope.rDean keeps a journal of all the things he wants to say to Cas but never can. Sam finds it.(Lol I'm bad with summaries)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 12





	The Journal

Sam and Jack hadn’t meant to find Dean's journal. They stumbled across the dark leather notebook while trying to help Dean on a hunt. He was out with Cas fighting a tribrid animal conjured up by a witch. The chimera was a creature they had yet to see in their many travels. Jack was searching the library of the bunker when the small notebook caught his eye. Had he known what was inside he may have never shown it to Sam. Jack mindlessly threw it into the pile of books Sam asked for. They found a way to kill the Chimera and anxiously called Dean.  
“Dean’s other other phone, you know what to do.” Then the beep.  
“Dean, we found a potential solution, call me back ASAP”, Sam almost ordered. Then he turned swiftly to Jack and continued, “Let's look for more options just in case”.  
They went back to reading up on the 3 headed beast.  
“Jack what is dad’s journal doing here?”, Sam asked. He assumed Dean took it everywhere. In fact, he could’ve sworn Dean had the journal with him right now. He never let it out of his sight.  
Jack shrugged and pointed to the library, “It was in the bunker library”. Sam found it odd but seeing as there were bigger concerns, he let it go. After what seemed like forever, Dean called back.  
“Dean? Thank God you're ok. So to kill the Chimera you have to behead all three heads at the same time”.  
“Sammy how the hell do you suppose I do that?”.  
“Dean I don’t know… Distract it?”. Dean responded with a sarcastic response that Sam pretended not to hear. Sam sighed and told Dean he’d continue looking. There was no time to mention that Dean had left the journal at home. 

(Deans POV)

Dean was mentally kicking himself in the head. He couldn't believe he left the journal at home. Not dad's journal which he always carried just in case, but his own private journal. He tried to convince himself that he left it hidden well enough and no one would even come across it. However, thoughts had to nag at him even while he was on a mission.  
He went back to the task at hand. A Chimera, that's what Sam called it. He took his sleek laptop out before taking one last look at the shitty motel room and dove into the research. Usually, he would let Sam and Jack do all the research, but he needed a good distraction. And what makes a better distraction than burying your feelings under a pile of work?  
Cas walked in holding some gas station food and Dean was excited. He noticed that he had been researching for about an hour and decided it was beyond time for a break. A simple meal, consisting of 2 hot dogs, a slushie, some beer, and some pie. He loved that Cas never forgot the damn pie. The air between them seemed heavy and they only talked about the case. Usually, they would laugh, or at least Dean would make some jokes Cas wouldn't understand. This time there was nothing. Both men had a lot to say and neither could say it.

(Back at the bunker)

Sam decided to look through dad’s journal. He never got to see it due to the fact that Dean always had it. He still couldn't see why Dean would leave without it.  
The page that opened up read:

Dear Cas:  
I'm getting jiggy with a rifle  
I pull the trigger with my eyes closed  
Hoping to hit you somewhere vital  
But when I miss you come  
and kiss me with a smile

And our dates it’s never day time  
When we get playful with the steak knife

(Sex with a Ghost by Teddy Hyde)

Maybe it was a weird inside joke and Sam just didn’t get it. Without thinking he flipped to another page

Dear Cas:  
And I’ve been here like a thousand times  
Dated every woman in the atmosphere  
I’ve been to every continent  
broken all the hearts in every hemisphere  
And I’m not the type of guy you like to circumvent  
Just remember not to love me when I disappear

(The Bidding by Tally Hall)

Sam decided to close up the journal right as Dean and Cas burst in through the door. Dean took a close look at what Sam was holding only to instantly recognize it. Every cell in his body screamed hoping that Sam had not read it. His heart jumped off a skyscraper and he turned pale and almost passed out. Please god, let Sam not have opened the journal up.  
“Dean? You don’t look so good”, Cas told him matter of factly.  
“Bite me Cas”, Dean growled back almost running down the stairs to get that journal. He hadn’t meant to sound so angry, after all Cas hadn’t done anything to deserve such a reaction. Still, Dean couldn't help it.  
“Hey Dean, Hey Cas”, Sam greeted trying hard to keep it hidden that he knew.  
“Hey Sam, where’s Jack?”, Dean asked, trying to reach for the book. Sam pretended not to notice this.  
“Oh he's around here somewhere. Cas why don’t you go find him?”. And with those words, Dean knew that Sam had read some of the journal. He felt angry and betrayed a little.  
“I need to go out”, Dean said climbing up the stairs holding the small notebook in his coat pocket. Sam knew when his brother was about to enter a mood and that he had figured out Sam knew about the journal. There was no calming the storm that was about to ensue.  
Dean was seething. He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid as to leave his journal in plain sight. Sam probably thought it was dad's journal, after all, he tried to get one identical to his father's. From the reddish-brown cover to the yellowed pages, Dean made sure the books were identical except for a small design on the back of his journal. It was a tiny devil's trap carved on the top corner so Dean wouldn’t mistake one for the other.  
Dean hopped in the car and just drove. He didn't know where he was going or what he planned to do but he needed to clear his head. And he wanted to do it alone.  
(Next Day)  
Dean didn’t know where he was when he woke up, but it was evident he had been drinking. His head pounded as memories from the night before came flooding in. He had gone to a bar. And he just drank and drank to his heart’s content. Unfortunately his heart and liver were not in agreement. In the flashes of memories, he saw someone. He saw Cas. How did Cas end up at the bar? Why was he there? That's when he remembered his first full memory.  
“Cas I’m at Lado’s Market, and I can’t drive come pick me up”. And then silence. Even through the memory, Dean could feel Cas’ disappointment.  
And then another memory. This time inside Baby.  
“Cas wait, before we go inside… I have- I have to tell you something-”. His words were slurred and a bit relaxed, knowing Dean this meant he was definitely drunk.  
“Dean I-”, Cas started. Then the memory fades. Dean could only imagine what Cas had told him. His mind filled in the blanks with terrible words. Dean, I hate you. Dean, I can’t be here. Dean, I need space. But the worst and most likely version, Dean I know. That one brought a sour taste to his mouth and scared Dean to his core. Had Cas read the journal? Did he know Dean was the author? How did he react when he found out? That's when Dean took a moment to notice his surroundings if he had gone home, why was he passed out at a bar?  
Another memory, this time Dean is angry. He’s kicking a tree and that's when he decided to go to another bar. This time he didn’t call Cas or Sam or Jack to pick him up. He couldn’t face the embarrassment.  
In the past, he had been great at communicating he wanted to be with someone. However, with Cas it was different. Dean hadn’t been able to express real feelings. Probably due to the manly man, toxic masculinity, bullshit his father drilled into him. His head pounded as tears threatened to leak out at any moment. He was scared of losing Cas as a friend. But was he more scared of never trying?  
(Sam’s POV)  
Of course, Sam had known. He wasn’t stupid. In fact, that's why he always sent them on missions together. Sam knew Dean couldn't communicate emotions for jack shit so he figured by sending him on jobs with just Cas they’d eventually run out of random topics to talk about and one of them would be forced to admit their feelings. Sam did not however know that Dean had a journal of things he would say if he wasn’t a bitch. That night Sam was worried, he had never seen Dean so angry before. And he’d seen Dean plenty mad. But there was a fear hidden in this anger. Fear of rejection, but more importantly, a fear of happiness. Dean didn’t think he deserved to be happy, but he did. More than anything, Sam wanted Dean to find happiness. And Cas, well Cas loved Dean more than he would ever know. So what did happen that night? Sam has an idea, but only Cas knew what he had told Dean. 

“Dean I love you too”.


End file.
